Autumn Relapse

The last few weeks have been frustrating and a little devastating for me.

Sailor's back began to relapse again. He was refusing to stand for the mounting block, irrationally spooky, and just tight over his back after the first cold snap. We took a week off from under saddle work, and lunged only, repeated Shockwave, bought a new (to us) Back on Track mesh sheet, and kept trying. Between working 12-14 hour shifts regularly and having to go to the barn 6 days a week, I was exhausted.

Last Tuesday, when I put on Sailor's surcingle, he turned and walked to the back corner of his stall. His eyes said, "I'm done.",  so I texted Candy's retirement farm and my current trainer. I'll move Sailor to the retirement farm December 1st. His Christmas present was supposed to be a stall card with the show name he never got to use for a stall he will no longer have.

I'm not sure yet what it means for us. I got in touch with an eventer who does 1* with a horse with KS that made the mare previously unrideable and she said 24/7 turnout was the biggest game changer for her horse. I plan on giving Sailor the winter and most of the spring off, then starting him back in the Pessoa or maybe an Equiband to see where we go. It's complicated though- I struggled and could not find a barn with pasture board near me when I moved here. I have a set list of non-negotiables: excellent care, an arena with lights, and no set barn hours because my job doesn't let me have flexibility in the traditional sense. If I end up leaving the area next year, it further complicates things- do I spend the money to move a horse only to move him back a few months later when he relapses yet again? Do I go through the same semi-retirement I went through with Candy only to retire him completely 1-2 years later?

Then there are my own goals. My goal of owning and showing a 1.10m horse before I start a family and truly settle down. My goal of showing on the A circuit, or at least regularly on a local circuit.

I'm trying not to worry about the future of Sailor and I's partnership and focus on the now, but it's hard when even the now is painful. I'm watching friends finish up show season, and having to come to terms with the fact that yet another show season has come and gone, and I am not a part of it. Sometimes, I get frustrated that I couldn't have just leased an uncomplicated serviceable school master, and instead went for owning flashy and athletic, and now have two retired horses to show for it. Horses, though, are never fair. Life is never fair.

I'm sure I'll have my show season some day. I'm sure one day I'll jump fences again on something other than a 2'6 lesson horse. That 1.10m goal is farther away than ever, but I have no doubt I'll reach it.