I feel like the mood of my blog has been one of not quite hopelessness, but frustration and stagnancy.
I am an incredibly fortunate soul- I have an internship next year at a phenomenal private practice, I have found a small apartment to call my own, will be able to afford weekly riding lessons most of the year, found a wonderful, beautiful retirement farm to keep my horse of a lifetime, and my equine soulmate is in good health, shiny, and happy. I have plenty to be incredibly grateful and thankful for, but I feel so... just... empty.
I've been taking weekly lessons at a wonderful hunter-jumper facility in Lexington for the last month and a half. I've loved every lesson horse I've sat on, appreciated all their quirks, and savored ever moment in the saddle.
The last time I was riding once a week was over 10 years ago; for the first time in my life, I am riding less instead of more, and it is breaking my heart. Being out of the saddle even this much makes me ache. It's so hard to be so distant from a hobby that is all consuming, that you love, and allow to drive your very being.
I know my situation is only, at most, a year, but it is difficult wanting to maximize and cherish each day when you spend every moment counting the seconds, days, months until your next ride. It is difficult to give up something that has been with you through your darkest moments and your brightest days.
I've spent a few weeks trying to put into words how I'm feeling about my current situation, and my life for the next year; it is so hard to explain that while I am grateful for my situation, and thrilled for the next chapter, I am so devastated to put horses on the backburner, even if it is only temporary.
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I know the feeling and I've been there in the past, but it sounds like will be better when the year is over.
ReplyDeleteI just got in to vet school and already the amount of stuff I need to do is overwhelming. I own a horse and I am showing him to a potential buyer on Monday and I don't even know if I want to sell him yet. (They know that, I was clear about it, I didn't even advertise him, someone heard through word of mouth that I might sell him). Facing the biggest change of my life without a horse seems more terrifying than the stress of trying to move him and afford board for the next four years.
ReplyDeleteLike you I can't remember the last time I only rode intermittently . Plus I didn't grow up owning horses so the top of my life goals was always "own a horse." And I remember how hard a time I had freshman year of undergrad with no horses as an outlet.
DeleteI hope your year of internship flies by.
At least it's only temporary! I'm currently in vet school and looking to the same future as you - putting horses on the back burner. And it sucks. But, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I live with a vet who graduated in 2009 and she's now at the point where she goes to shows or clinics almost every weekend, she has a schoolmaster and a baby horse she's bringing along so two riding horses currently, plus two broodmares at home. She loves her job and she is able to spend a lot of time with her horses. So it does get better!
ReplyDeleteI was in your position and I will be until my young horse gets done being started. It sucks to go to riding once a week or less when you are very active and competitive. This too will pass, that's the best advice I can give even though it feels so hollow.
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