I feel like the mood of my blog has been one of not quite hopelessness, but frustration and stagnancy.
I am an incredibly fortunate soul- I have an internship next year at a phenomenal private practice, I have found a small apartment to call my own, will be able to afford weekly riding lessons most of the year, found a wonderful, beautiful retirement farm to keep my horse of a lifetime, and my equine soulmate is in good health, shiny, and happy. I have plenty to be incredibly grateful and thankful for, but I feel so... just... empty.
I've been taking weekly lessons at a wonderful hunter-jumper facility in Lexington for the last month and a half. I've loved every lesson horse I've sat on, appreciated all their quirks, and savored ever moment in the saddle.
The last time I was riding once a week was over 10 years ago; for the first time in my life, I am riding less instead of more, and it is breaking my heart. Being out of the saddle even this much makes me ache. It's so hard to be so distant from a hobby that is all consuming, that you love, and allow to drive your very being.
I know my situation is only, at most, a year, but it is difficult wanting to maximize and cherish each day when you spend every moment counting the seconds, days, months until your next ride. It is difficult to give up something that has been with you through your darkest moments and your brightest days.
I've spent a few weeks trying to put into words how I'm feeling about my current situation, and my life for the next year; it is so hard to explain that while I am grateful for my situation, and thrilled for the next chapter, I am so devastated to put horses on the backburner, even if it is only temporary.