Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Off Topic: Too Many Feelings

It's been a little quiet on my part studying/winging finals, finishing my required shadowing hours for my new (terrifying) job, and dealing with quite possibly the worst anxiety of my life. Not exactly panic attacks, but more just an overwhelming, constant feeling of dread and crying. Saturday I cried because I remembered one day my parents will die; Sunday I cried because I remembered I only have one year with Lexie, a mare I have really fallen in love with, and this new job may consume my life to the point that I'll probably ride 1-4 times a week if I'm lucky.

Basically, my heart is broken over being unable to ride as much as I would like, and I'm terrified of my transition into clinics. I'm no longer a child in school, but I'm also not quite an adult able to mold my schedule to be a bit more reasonable (read: not stuck on campus 12-48 hours a week), or at least get financially compensated for a lot of my time (24 hours of job orientation, I'm talking to you). I'm mostly just frustrated by my lack of control and the chaos I'm about to be plunged into.

Normally, when these feelings of depression and extreme anxiety hit, I go to the barn, cry in a mane or gallop away; I won't be able to do that anymore. I probably will rarely ride in the sun once clinics start. The rational, high-functioning being inside of me knows this isn't the end, just a bump in the road, and I'll find time to ride and maybe even compete like I have time and time again throughout my education. The anxiety-ridden, overwhelmed, terrified entity that consumes me is screaming my riding career is over; it's hard to fight strong feelings even when you know they're irrational, and it's so frustrating.

Horseback riding hasn't just been a hobby for me- it's healed me from the inside out, and continues to soothe and heal my mind and my heart. I'll find time for it like I have time and time again, I just may need to sacrifice my DIY-attitude, ask for help, and sacrifice sleep to make it happen. This isn't the end of my riding journey, just a hairpin curve in the road.

- K & C & L


  1. hopefully settling into the new routine will prove easier than it feels right now!!

    1. I hope so! I'm the queen of anxiety, but coupled with a depressive slump, I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.