Grumbles in the Night

In this day and age, it's hard not to compare yourself to other riders, and lately, I've been finding myself regretting my career path and wishing I had chosen a more financially rewarding path in favor of bigger jumps and better horses.

Like many riders, I can certainly be prideful, and used to consider myself a competent rider. I'm just now beginning to find my footing over 2'6" jumps on Lexie, and, when I remember 4 years ago, I was schooling 3'-3'6", it stings. I almost feel like my riding has regressed. I've been so busy studying, working, and now, traveling to externships, for the last 3 years that my riding has suffered greatly. 

Is it normal? Probably.

Am I making the best choice for both my riding career and work career? Maybe.

I plan on putting financial stability on hold for another four to five to six years to pursue an internship, possibly specialty internship, and residency all in the pursuit of becoming a boarded criticalist. What does this mean? Four to six years of making a very very low salary, while student loan interest accumulates on itself. Four to six years of living uncomfortably paycheck to paycheck working 80-120 hours a week, all in hopes of sitting through yet another massive exam in addition to case reports, and research papers to add another handful of letters to the end of my name. Is it worth it?

I'm not sure. For the first time, what I want, what I think I should want, and what I can actually achieve are all diverging. Do I want to work away for pennies, unable to ride until my student debt is paid off? Or hit the ground running in the work force to fund horses and give up on my dreams of becoming board certified in critical care?

This is more of vent or a cry into the void for guidance. I'm not sure where I'm headed, and that uncertainty is scary to me.

- K & C & L